Find Nothing Worse Than Ourselves
by Mara Greengrass
Summary: Mike, Henry, and Vicki help some visitors find a lost item in Toronto. But not all is as it seems...on both sides.


Title: Find Nothing Worse Than Ourselves  
Genre: Gen, crossover, humor  
Summary: Mike, Henry, and Vicki help some visitors find a lost item in Toronto. But not all is as it seems...on both sides.  
Continuity/spoilers: Late in the season, but no specific spoilers. As for the other side of the crossover, there's just a casting spoiler for a specific episode in season 4.  
Notes: What can I say? Crackaddled crossovers make me happy. And I've been wanting to write this one since seeing who played a certain someone's brother...

Mike knew, in theory, that he had two cousins in the United States. He knew their last name, of course, since it was his mother's maiden name, and it was her brother that she refused to speak to after some stupid family squabble.

And in the back of his brain he'd always intended to take some time to track them down and just, y'know, say hi, because family squabbles were a ridiculous waste of time. But somehow he'd always been too busy.

Which was why it was a surprise when a man near his age with spiky hair and a US military uniform stepped up to his desk, opened his mouth, and then closed it, staring at him.

Mike stood. "Can I help you?"

"I..." The man blinked, then stuck out his hand. "You're obviously Michael Celluci, so I m pleased to meet you. I m John Sheppard. Your cousin."

Mike had his own moment of gaping surprise before he shook the man's hand. "I'm certainly pleased to meet you, but...why obviously?"

John's lips twitched. "Apparently you've never seen a picture of us, either." He pulled out his wallet and slid out a photo. "Here's my dad and my brother Dave."

Mike took the picture, but nearly dropped it when he got a look. "Oh my god."

"Spitting image of you, huh?" John shook his head. "Wow. I had no idea."

Mike looked up, but had to look back at the picture that even ihe/i would have been willing to swear was him, if it weren't for the arm thrown around the shoulders of a man he'd never met, apparently his uncle Patrick. Finally, he managed to hand the picture back. "Well, that's...a surprise. So what brings you to Toronto? Since I m assuming you're not here to hand-deliver a family reunion invitation."

John grinned. "Nope. Look, it's kind of complicated. Can we go, I don't know, get some coffee or something? McKay always tells me that only Canadians know anything about coffee."

"McKay?" Mike asked, grabbing his jacket off the back of the chair.

"A scientist I work with. Very very Canadian."

John rolled his eyes and Mike laughed. "I get the picture. Sure, there's a Tim Horton's around the corner and you can tell your McKay you've had Canadian coffee."

They made small talk on their way out, giving details about their families, names, marriages, children (or lack thereof). Sheppard was oddly reticent about his work, only saying he was an Air Force pilot who worked out of a facility in Colorado. Mike figured he did something like test top secret planes, and couldn't talk about it.

The way John's eyes swept the room as they entered had Mike interested, but he wasn't sure if that was just something about the military or something about John. They were quickly settled in a corner with coffee and doughnuts.

"I'm here to impose on our practically nonexistent family connection," John said after taking a fortifying sip of coffee.

"That's blunt."

John flushed slightly. "Okay, that came out wrong. It was meant to be more self-deprecating and less assholish."

Mike grinned at him.

"Damn, the resemblance to Dave is uncanny." John shook his head. "What I meant was, I know that our families haven't been close and I regret that, but I still need to impose on you for help, if I can."

"Help," Mike repeated.

John took a deep breath, pausing as two teenagers pushed past their table, music blaring out of iPods. "The United States Air Force has...lost something. And we need to get it back, but we can't exactly invade Canada in order to find it. The president was pretty firm about that. Not that I proposed an invasion, mind you. Well, not exactly."

Mike stopped himself before he could continue his broken record imitation and say 'lost something' or 'the president?' He considered John. "I hate to say it, but I'm going to need some proof that you're who you say you are."

John nodded, looking unsurprised. "I've got all kinds of paperwork, but I think it might be easier to just go to the consulate. If they can vouch for me, would that be enough?"

"Yeah." Mike was dying of curiosity by this point, but he'd never hear the end of it if he was fooled by a con man pretending to be his long-lost cousin of all things. While they walked out the door, he called the station and said he'd be taking a few hours of personal time. Kate teased him, but said things were relatively quiet.

* * *

The consulate did, indeed, vouch for one Lt. Col. John Sheppard. Even Mike was impressed when John slouched in, casually asked if the consul general was free, and they were immediately ushered in.

"I am empowered by my government," the consul general explained a few moments later, "to offer any assistance needed to Lt. Col. Sheppard. He is on an important military mission, although I don't know the details." He looked faintly peeved at that, but continued. "I can assure you that he is who he says he is, as we checked with his command personally, and I received several phone calls from people known to me."

Mike looked at John, who wasn't looking particularly military at the moment, even with the uniform. "Okay. Then let's talk about why you need a Toronto homicide detective."

John grinned, shook the consul general's hand, and led Mike back out of the consulate. "I think we'd better go back to my hotel for this bit. It's not really for public consumption. And you can meet my teammate."

* * *

More small talk got them to a nondescript hotel in the middle of town, and up in the elevator. When John opened the door, Mike was surprised to see a beautiful woman in civilian clothes putting down a mobile, relaxing when she saw John.

"Hey, Teyla. Anything new?"

"Rodney reports it is still in the same vicinity," she said.

John sighed. "Well, Teyla Emmagen, this is Michael Celluci."

Mike put out his hand. "Please call me Mike. Nobody but my Mom calls me Michael."

Teyla shook his hand, her grip as firm as Vicki's. "I am pleased to meet you, Mike. You may call me Teyla."

Settling into a typically uncomfortable hotel chair, Mike watched John and Teyla exchange a look that was obviously filled with meaning to the two of them. Teyla tilted her head and John grinned at her, then looked at Mike.

"Okay," John said. "Here's the deal. As I said, we, uh, lost something rather important. But believe it or not, it would actually be easier if someone had stolen a missile, because then we could call in the Canadian military and this would have been taken care of in a day."

"You lost something imore/i dangerous than a missile?"

"No, something less dangerous. Considerably less dangerous." John scratched the back of his head. "Also considerably more top secret."

Teyla took pity on him. "What John is trying to say is that we have lost an animal. Not a dangerous animal, but one that must be retrieved before it makes its way into a zoo or research facility."

Mike looked back and forth between the two of them, but they appeared to be serious. "An animal?"

"Yeah. But we can't just sic the military on this, because then everyone would want to know why we're looking for it."

"Well, iI'd/i sure like to know, but I get the feeling you're not going to tell me either."

Teyla smiled. "Unfortunately, you would be correct."

John added. "But we're hoping that you'll help us figure out a way to use the Toronto police department to search for this animal without making it seem like a big deal."

Mike tapped his fingers on the table and considered the two of them. "Leaving aside all the things you're not telling me, yes, I can start an official search through the department. But I can do something else, something that might be more effective."

"What else?" Teyla asked.

"My former partner is now a private detective. She and her new partner have some...unorthodox but effective methods. And this is just weird enough to be right up their alley."

Teyla and John exchanged another one of those glances. "I don't know," John said. "We, uh, took the time to investigate you." He looked at Mike to check his reaction and Mike shrugged. "But we don't know anything about them. And finding the animal is important, but security is just as important here."

"I would trust Vicki with my life. With your life. Hell, with everybody's lives." Mike didn't have to stop and think about that.

"You mentioned she had a new partner," Teyla said.

Pausing, Mike considered Henry. "Vicki vouches for him. And...I do too. He would never betray Vicki. But don't tell him I said so, or I'll swear you're lying."

John rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Give me their names and let me check them out."

Mike mentally crossed his fingers and hoped that Henry's cover was good. "Vicki Nelson and Henry Fitzroy. Here, give me some paper and I'll write down their addresses and numbers." He took the offered hotel stationery and started writing. "While you're doing that, I need to get back to the station and get this search started."

"Here is what we can tell you about this animal." Teyla held out a thin envelope. "Unfortunately, we can't include some information, such as a photograph, because-"

"Lemme guess," Mike said, resigned. "Then you'd have to shoot me."

Teyla looked briefly startled before seeming to get the joke. "Something like that."

Standing, Mike shook Teyla and John's hand. "We thank you for your assistance," Teyla said, "especially under such circumstances."

"Well, it's the least I can do for family. And I do get the feeling this is important."

"You could say that," John said, sounding for just a moment exactly like Mike's mom when she was getting sarcastic.

* * *

John didn't sound enthusiastic about bringing Vicki and Henry in on this. "Are you sure about them?"

"I'm absolutely sure," Mike said, trying to not cross his fingers under his desk while talking on the phone. "I think you're going to need something less official than the Toronto dogcatchers, and Vicki and Henry can ask all kinds of weird questions without anyone thinking anything of it."

John sighed into the phone. "It's just...your ex-partner comes up cleaner than clean. But this Fitzroy, the records are weird."

"I know. And I even know why, but-I can't believe I'm saying this-I can't tell you."

"If you're trusting me, I guess I'm going to have to trust you."

"Seems like."

There was a long pause, and Mike imagined John and Teyla exchanging one of those meaningful glances. "Okay. Let's pull them in."

* * *

"Hey, Vic," Mike said into his phone as he sat the computer, trying to fiddle the paperwork he'd been procrastinating on into order. "Are you and his royal highness free this evening?"

"What's up?" she asked, sounding incredibly suspicious.

"Maybe I've suddenly had a change of heart and I want to take you both out clubbing."

"Uh-huh." Vicki was one of those people whose eyerolling could actually be heard over the phone.

"Okay, seriously, I need a favor. It's sort of family related and sort of work related."

"Family? Is everybody okay? Do you need me to-"

"Hold on! Everybody's fine. It's not Molly or Dylan or anyone you've met, okay? Believe it or not, it's one of my American cousins who needs some help."

"American cousins? Wait, your mother had a brother who went to America or something."

"That's the one. Look, it'll be easier to tell both of you at the same time. When do you think his royal bitchiness will be up and fed?"

There was a pause and Vicki covered the phone and said something to Coreen before returning. "I'll leave a message for him now and he should be here by 5:30, maybe 6. I've got a divorce case, but it can wait."

"And Vic?"

"Yeah?"

"Do me a favor and send Coreen home. She's a good kid, but, well, it's complicated."

"There'd better be a damn good explanation for this."

Mike switched the phone to his other ear. "How about if I promise that you'll know everything I know?"

"Why doesn't that make me feel any better?"

"Because you know how our lives always seem to go."

"Right, that's it."

* * *

Mike had intended to go see Vicki alone, but he could understand why John and Teyla would want to meet them too. So, takeout Chinese in hand (because bribery never hurt) the three of them set out for Vicki's office.

Coreen was indeed gone, although Mike knew he'd be in for a blistering lecture from her later. But he just wasn't up to the task of explaining Coreen Fennel to his cousin and the US military. Fitzroy was bad enough.

Vicki, desperately curious and trying to hide it, shook John's hand. She and Teyla sized each other up, while John and Mike held their breath, then the women smiled and shook hands. They looked oddly in agreement, and Mike couldn't decide if that made him feel better or worse. From the look on John's face, he was voting for worse.

"Henry will be here soon, but he'll have eaten already," Vicki said. She'd had enough experience that she even managed to say that with a straight face.

Mike wanted to ask if Henry even liked Chinese, but he knew Vicki would throw something at him if he said it. "Then let's eat."

They dived into the Chinese food. Teyla didn't seem familiar with some of the dishes and John murmured a few explanations to her while Mike tried to place her slight accent. (All his questions about where she was from had been politely deflected.) More small talk ensued and Mike pondered the fact that he'd spent more time talking about his family in the past eight hours than he had in the past eight months.

It was almost a relief when Henry finally waltzed in and was introduced. It was definitely a relief when Mike realized that Teyla and John were utterly unimpressed by his charming manner. But Henry had the oddest look on his face when he shook Teyla's hand, just for a moment.

Teyla smiled, removed her hand from his grip, and returned to her shrimp fried rice with utter unconcern. Henry blinked.

Mike coughed into his fist, causing both Henry and Vicki to shoot him nasty looks. He smiled innocently, portraying 'I didn't say a word' with all his might.

"Now that Henry's here," Vicki said, "perhaps we can finally get to business."

Everybody looked at Mike and it took a moment to realize that just this once, he'd somehow ended up in charge. iThat/i was an unaccustomed feeling around here, where he usually ended up trailing behind, asking plaintive questions about what the hell was going on.

"John and Teyla are looking for an animal. They know it's somewhere here in Toronto, but they don't want to draw a lot of attention looking for it."

Henry's face didn't change, and he looked like he was waiting for a punchline. Vicki, on the other hand, looked like she was getting mad.

"You want us to search for a lost dog?" she asked, putting down her chopsticks with a clatter.

"Not exactly," Teyla said, leaning forward in her chair to catch Vicki's eye. "It looks more like small leopard."

Vicki looked at Mike. He shrugged. "I swear, the consul general vouched for them. They're legit. Crazy sounding, but legit."

"What is it, escaped from an experimental lab?" Vicki asked.

"Something like that," John said. "It escaped from our lab, thanks to a technician who underestimated its intelligence."

"How smart is this thing?" Mike asked.

John shrugged. "As smart as a monkey, I guess. And probably less dangerous than the average monkey."

"Okay. And you know it's in Toronto because..."

"It's tagged. Unfortunately, nobody expected to need to use the tag to capture it again, just to generally track its movements in its natural habitat. So the tag gives us a mile radius. Or two. Maybe three on a bad day."

"Which is fine," Teyla continued, "in a forest."

"But not so good in a city," Vicki said, looking mollified now that she had been promoted from dogcatcher to hunter.

"An animal," Henry said thoughtfully.

Vicki looked at him and Mike knew she was trying to decide if Henry's vampire senses could solve this problem. Mike knew because that's why he'd brought John here. Of course, they couldn't discuss it with someone else around.

Henry gave Vicki a slow nod and she smiled. "I think we can help."

"I'll pass on all the information we've been given," Mike said.

Vicki didn't blink at his phrasing, but he knew she'd gotten the message that something was going on. Henry, well, Henry had been looking slightly on edge since he'd arrived, so who knew what was going on with him. Maybe his dinner hadn't agreed with him. Hadn't agreed to go with him. Whatever.

"Henry and I will get started as soon as we've reviewed the information." Vicki smiled her brightest smile at John and Mike had to fight down a surge of jealousy as John smiled back at her, the both of them looking like a very attractive mutual admiration society.

"We must stress," Teyla said, "the importance of being discreet."

Vicki nodded. "Of course. That's a common request from our clients." And Mike iknew/i she knew something was going on, because Vicki would normally be all over a vague statement like that.

John and his partner were apparently adept at getting unspoken messages, because they excused themselves, saying they would take a cab back to their hotel. Mike watched the door close, then turned to look at Henry and Vicki.

Henry's eyes had gone black and Mike jumped. "Whoa!"

Closing his eyes, Henry took a few deep breaths and when he opened his eyes again, they'd gone back to normal. "I apologize," he said.

"What's wrong?" Vicki asked.

"I'm not certain. But there's something...wrong about Ms. Emmagen."

"Ooookay," Mike said. "That clears things right up."

"D'you mean she's a," Vicki waved her hand, "demon or something?"

Henry looked uncharacteristically hesitant. "Or something. It's difficult to explain, but there's a certain scent, a feeling, that identifies someone as human to me, and hers is off in a subtle way."

"Is she human?" Vicki asked.

"I...think so."

Mike rubbed his temples. "Great. John's hiding something about the animal and his partner is only probably human. And this was shaping up to be such a nice boring day at work."

"Isn't that always the way?" Vicki said. "Okay, there's nothing we can do about Teyla right now, so tell us what we've got to work with."

* * *

An hour later, they had a plan of action. "I'm still worrying," Vicki said, "about this 'maybe human' thing."

Mike scowled. "My first instinct is to start running some searches for information about her, but I think that would cause more trouble than it solves."

Henry raised an eyebrow. "In what way?"

"My cousin can waltz into the office of the US consul general and he appears to hold some kind of top secret position in the US military. I don't know about Teyla, but I'm betting she's not a secretary. Who knows what hell-figuratively speaking, I hope-would break loose if I started searching on her name."

Vicki nodded. "Agreed. We'll just keep our eyes open while we're looking. And if things get weird, well, it'll just be a typical day at the office, right?"

Mike sighed. "Right. On that cheery note, I'm heading back to the office for a bit."

"I'll let you know when we have some leads," Vicki said, gathering up their notes and taking them to her safe.

Standing, Mike started toward the door. "Right."

"Mike?"

"Hmm?" He paused, turning.

"What do you think is going on?"

"If I had to take a guess, I think this animal was a test subject in some kind of, oh, genetic experiment."

Henry nodded slowly. "It might explain why Teyla bothers me. Perhaps she, too, has been tested upon."

"Mutant animal loose in Toronto. Great." Vicki sighed. "I just have to wonder whether it's more dangerous than they're willing to admit."

"I hate to think that my cousin is lying to me."

"I don't believe he is," Henry said. "Hiding something, yes, but when he asserted the animal isn't dangerous, as far as I can tell, he believed it."

Although it always galled him to say it, Mike said, "Thank you, that's good to know."

"Of course, there might be something that your cousin doesn't know."

Mike sighed again. "Great. I'm leaving before we somehow precipitate Armageddon."

"Big words for a police officer, Detective."

"Stuff it, Fitzroy."

* * *

Mike got a little sleep and went back to work the next day, but fidgeted so much as he tried to deal with all that routine paperwork that no less than three people threatened to kick him out if he didn't stop tapping his fingers and pens on the desk, bouncing his leg, or pacing the room.

Unable to bear the suspense, on his way to eat dinner, he called Vicki's cell.

She didn't bother to say hello. "I'd have called you, you know."

"I know."

"Most of the weirdos we know are still asleep, anyway."

"So?"

"Go home and take a nap. It's going to be a long night."

"Great." He sighed. "Thanks."

He could almost hear her shake her head. "Whatever, Mike. Now go away and let me do my job."

* * *

Sleep didn't come easily, but Mike had years of experience at forcing himself to sleep before a long night, and so when the phone rang, he was, in fact, asleep.

"Celluci," he mumbled into the phone.

"I hope so," Vicki said, sounding far too amused and far too awake.

"Hey! Vic!" Scrubbing his face, he sat up and took a deep breath. "Whadda ya got?"

"I think we've narrowed the search down. We've got some reports from some of the, ah, more night-oriented folks that sound like what we're looking for."

"Where?"

"Near the university. Mostly on the west side, so that's our best bet."

"Have we got a plan?"

"We figured on trying a little sniff test to see what happens."

Mike was already grabbing his clothes, hastily discarded on a chair. "Okay, I'll meet you."

"Call when you get close and I'll tell you where we are."

* * *

"I've got a spot near Spadina and College," Mike said, hand on the key in the ignition, ready to start the car again. "Should I try for closer?"

"No, we're not that far west of you on College," Vicki said. "Henry's pretty sure we're on the right track. Just walk and we'll find you."

"Should I call John?"

He heard her speak to Henry. "Mmm, hard to say. Henry's pretty sure we're on the track of something...strange, but he can't guarantee it's what we're looking for."

Mike rolled his eyes. "Just our luck, we're looking for a cat and we find a demon or something. And when the hell did that sentence start to make sense?"

Vicki chuckled. "Call the man. If we have to slog through the streets, they should too. By the time they get here, Henry should be done sniffing." And she hung up, although Mike could hear Henry protesting in the background. Probably found sniffing to be an undignified occupation for royalty.

When Mike called his cousin, he was annoyed to find that even in the middle of the night, the man sounded awake and alert. Maybe it was some trick the American military taught its personnel?

By the time he'd given John and Teyla directions to where they were, he'd caught up with Henry and Vicki, who had detoured off College and up Manning. They were looking annoyed and Mike sighed, wondering what had gone wrong this time.

Vicki held out her arms and Mike pretended he always hugged Vicki when he saw her, so that she could murmur in his ear. "We're being followed. Couple of amateurs."

"Wonderful," Mike said with weak grin. "This case or another?"

"Don't know."

Henry grinned at Mike, and for a second, Mike thought the vampire was going to try and hug him too, but he was saved by Vicki setting off. She shot Henry a look and he nodded, stepping in front of her and leading them at a slow pace down the street as he tried to unobtrusively check the area.

It took Mike only a moment to find their pursuers and he had to agree they were amateurs. On the bright side, that meant it probably wasn't a serious problem in terms of danger. On the not-so-bright side, it meant the possibility of the kind of security leak John and Teyla were worried about. Great. Well, since they were being so obliging as to follow along, stumbling through yards and making noise, they could just stay there until this cat was in the bag...so to speak.

After walking back and forth twice, Henry led them decisively toward a well-kept balconied home with fancy brickwork and roses climbing the porch and drooping over a couple of plastic chairs.

It looked like they'd found the local crazy cat lady, as Mike could see at least half a dozen cats of various colors peering out the dormer windows above them.

"Damn," Mike muttered. "I was assuming it would be outside somewhere, but..."

"I can't be certain if it's currently inside," Henry said.

Vicki said something under her breath and Mike turned. John and Teyla were striding toward them. For just a moment, both of their eyes flickered toward the nearby bushes that Mike knew held the amateurs, then they looked at each other and at him.

He flicked his eyes in the same direction and gave his cousin and Teyla a quick headshake no. He wasn't quite ready to confront the amateurs until he had a better idea what they were up to. Also, there was the unfortunate possibility of demons, magic, and other things he didn't want to explain to the two outsiders.

When, exactly, had his life become this complicated?

With a heavy sigh-probably his millionth of the year-he turned back to Vicki. "Thoughts?"

"How about an idea?"

"I'll take it."

As John and Teyla joined them, Vicki smiled broadly. "Follow me," she said.

"Uh oh," Mike said as she went toward the front door.

"Is she-" John began.

"Oh yeah."

"What about-"

"I think she's decided to ignore them."

Teyla chuckled softly as she followed close behind Vicki. The men looked at each other and scrambled to catch up. Mike ended up dead last, which he supposed meant he was in charge of watching out for the amateurs. Yay.

Without needing instructions, everyone stood back or to the side, not too close to Vicki, so as to appear somewhat less menacing. She rang the doorbell, which played "When the Saints Go Marching In." Everyone winced at the wrong note in the middle.

They waited for a long moment and Mike tried to decide what to do if nobody was home. He looked over at Henry, who had a listening expression on his face, which slowly turned into a small grin.

Soon everyone could hear what Henry did and Mike hid his own grin as he leaned casually against the metal pole holding up the deck above them, absolutely positively not looking at the corner of the house three doors down, around which lurked their followers.

"-an't believe anyone would bother me at this time of the night," a querulous female voice said as it came toward the door. After much creaking and moving of locks, the door opened a crack. "Yes?" the voice asked. "Who's there? What do you want?"

"Ma'am," Vicki said in her most calming police tones. "I'm looking for a lost cat and everyone said you're the woman to talk to. That is, you know everything about the cats in the neighborhood."

"That I do, that I do." The voice seemed impressed. "I do take care of the cats. Now which of my darlings would you be looking for?"

"I'm not sure this is a cat you would have taken in. It's, uh, larger than the average cat, cream colored with a great many black spots..."

"Oh! You mean Sally." Mike could hear the door open wider behind him and the amateurs practically fell over their own feet leaning over to hear what she said. He had to look up at the sky to avoid seeing them.

"Sally?" John said, with a bit of disbelief. "It's three feet long with very sharp teeth!"

"I wouldn't know about the teeth," the woman said, annoyed. "My eyes aren't as good as they once were."

Vicki broke in. "But do you know where...Sally is right now?"

Mike was too old and set in his ways to start praying now, but he could wish. Please say 'inside,' he thought.

"She likes to roam around," the woman said. "But she usually comes by for something to eat at least once a day."

Wait, Mike thought suddenly. Hadn't Henry said he thought he smelled it? Did that mean she was lying? Or had he just smelled the fact that it had ibeen/i here? He glanced over at Henry, who was just turning his head with a look of concentration.

Henry's eyes widened as he looked down the street. Mike followed his look and...that was unmistakably Sally. Nothing else that looked like that was likely to be roaming around Toronto unless the zoo had been having security problems. The entire crowd tried to get down the steps, practically bumping into each other in their eagerness.

Mike was in the lead when he saw the amateurs leap out from their 'concealment' with a large bag and scoop up the startled animal. "Oh no," someone said behind him and they all started to run faster.

"Damn it," Mike groaned as he ran flat out behind John, who was falling behind Teyla. Vicki said something even less complimentary, obviously also thinking about the fact that Henry could have caught the idiots already if they hadn't been accompanied by John and Teyla. Why hadn't they thought about that, anyway?

Pretending to be out of breath, Henry pointed to an alley. "I'll try this way," he yelled, dashing off toward the dark shadows. Mike decided he'd have to be nice to the guy for at least a week for that.

Then Teyla turned in her pursuit and followed Henry.

And Mike wondered what exactly the universe had against him.

As they continued to follow the idiots with the cat, sounds from the alleyway suggested Teyla and Henry might be fighting. John's anguished look and the hand on the Bluetooth in his ear definitely added to the suspicion.

Mike and Vicki looked at each other and Mike shook his head slightly, continuing to run. Whatever was going on, Henry could take care of himself.

But maybe the universe was feeling bad, because the idiots ahead were slowing down, and John, Vicki, and Mike were catching up. Finally, one of the men tripped and fell and Vicki pounced on him. Mike, his breath tearing at his throat, found the strength for one last burst of speed, and he and John leaped on the man holding the bagged cat.

Mike stumbled, holding the man's arms, as John wrenched the bag away. And then they were tumbling down, Mike losing his grip as his head took a hard knock on the sidewalk.

"Teyla," John gasped, one hand holding the bag as the other reached for the Bluetooth. "I've got it."

Mike was still seeing stars and he decided to lie right where he was for a few moments before he tried to figure out what to do next.

Vicki had her prisoner face-down and pinned and she didn't look pleased about the entire situation. Mike couldn't really blame her. He poked at the back of his head a few times before deciding nothing was actually broken. He could feel blood, though, which meant another shirt was probably ruined. Well, at least he hadn't been wearing a suit, he thought.

Henry and Teyla came limping toward them, giving each other suspicious looks, and Mike decided it was time to try sitting up. Teyla started to say something to John, but when she noticed Vicki's prisoner, she closed her mouth.

Vicki hauled the guy upright and he just stared at all of them in panic. Shaking him slightly, she said, "What the hell were you doing?"

"Uh..."

"Answer her," Henry said. His voice was one step away from vampire and Mike wondered what the hell he was doing. John and Teyla looked at him and faded back a bit, taking the cat-or whatever-with them.

The guy's eyes widened improbably further and he shrank back against Vicki. Ah, Mike realized, he knew who Henry was. Probably time to introduce the good cop.

"Aww, Vic," Mike said, bringing out the charming smile. "Can't you see the kid's scared? I'm sure you didn't mean any harm."

"No!" His head shook violently. "It's just Larry. He's got this whole mystical thing and he heard a rumor. I don't even know why I came along."

"A rumor?" Mike prompted.

"A rumor that he," the guy's eyes rolled toward Henry, "was looking for something. Larry thought it must be important."

"Yeah, it's important," Vicki said. "It's my damn icat/i. If anything happens to it, my mother will tell me I'm an idiot."

"Your cat?" He wanted to believe, he really did.

Mike chuckled, finally finding the energy to stand up. "Oh man, you thought we were chasing something weird, didn't you? But she's just some kind of purebred cat from the Middle East. Or wherever it was your mother was reading about. Although...when Sally gets mad, she is pretty scary."

"You only say that," Henry said, apparently not wanting to be left out of the fun, "because she scratches you when you try to pet her."

"You're the suck-up who always brings her food."

"Hey!" Vicki rolled her eyes at both of them. "Anyway, the point, kid, is that your buddy needs to get a life. And if he messes with my cat-or anything else-again, I won't go easy on him. Got it?"

"Got it." His head was nodding so hard it looked like it might fall off. "Sorry. I'm sorry. I'll tell him, really I will."

Vicki let him go. "Go on, get out of here."

He was running down the street in moments. Mike waited to be sure he was out of earshot before starting to chuckle. Vicki's grin was a joy to behold and even Henry looked amused.

But Mike could tell when his cousin approached from behind him, because both Vicki and Henry looked significantly less amused.

"Ah..." John said, scratching the back of his head. "I think we need to talk."

"We most certainly do," Henry said. "That," he pointed at the bag, "is not from this planet."

Mike and Vicki stared at John and Teyla.

"Well, you're not exactly human, are you?" John said.

Mike and Vicki looked at Henry.

Henry glared. "Neither is she."

Mike and Vicki looked at Teyla.

"Yes, she is." At a cough from Teyla, John shrugged. "Well, mostly."

"Mostly?" Mike and Vicki chorused, then looked at each other.

Vicki shook her head. "As fascinating as this conversation is, perhaps we should continue it somewhere other than in the street."

John sighed. "Come back to our hotel. We need to get this thing caged again before the tranquilizer I used wears off."

* * *

Mike wasn't entirely sure about letting his cousin out of his sight, but he went back to his own car anyway, mind racing. Not from this iplanet/i? Henry hadn't meant demon or ghost or ifrit or succubus, because if he had, he'd have said so. He'd certainly never shown any hesitance about freaking Mike out in the past, after all. But... planet?

He spent a few minutes trying to figure out what was going on, before deciding that his mild head injury meant he should concentrate on driving.

It felt like a long drive to the hotel.

They regrouped in the hotel room, Vicki and Henry standing on one side of the room, John and Teyla standing on the other, both sides radiating hostility. Mike rubbed his forehead. "Does anybody have a couple of Tylenol?" Everyone turned their looks on him. "What? I'm the one who got hurt here. You two," he waved at Teyla and Henry, "look fine to me."

"I am fine," Henry said grudgingly.

John turned worried eyes on Teyla, who shrugged. "No worse than I have received while teaching you to use the bantos rods."

"Right. So everyone's okay, except I have a killer headache. Oh, and apparently everyone has been lying by omission to everyone else. Is that a fair summary?"

Nods all around and Mike sat down on the couch and leaned back, wishing furniture could occasionally be made comfortable for tall people. Everyone slowly sat down on chairs and eyed everyone else.

"So...another planet? Mostly human? Who'd like to start?" Mike looked around, feeling like a teacher.

"It's classif-" John tried.

"Uh-huh, we got that," Mike said. "You also got us mixed up in this mess so I think we deserve more of an explanation than that."

John sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "You do. But I honestly can't tell you too much more or I could get myself court-martialed. This is beyond top secret."

"I am, indeed, not entirely human," Teyla said suddenly. When everyone looked at her, she smiled. "They cannot court-martial me."

"But they could do other things."

"I'm entirely aware of that, John. But they do deserve an explanation for helping us."

"And you want to hear itheir/i explanation," he said with a smirk.

Teyla ignored that with the ease of long practice. "One of my ancestors was not human. And I was born on a planet very far from here, as was the creature you helped us capture."

"But everything I told you was true," John added. "It really did escape because someone underestimated it. And for obvious reasons we couldn't have it end up in a zoo or something."

"You go to other planets," Vicki said.

Sighing, John nodded. "Teyla is a member of my team. We are...trying to protect the Earth. And that really is all I can tell you."

Everyone looked at Henry, who scowled. "I'm not exactly thrilled with a member of the military knowing my own secrets."

"I don't blame you," John said. "Are you a danger to the planet? Are you likely to try and subjugate the Earth, for example?"

Henry's lips twitched. "No."

"Then I don't really have any responsibility to report you to anyone. I promise I won't reveal your secret."

"Nor will I," Teyla said.

"Not that my opinion means much," Mike said, "but I think you can trust them."

"On the contrary, that opinion means a great deal...because I know what a difficult time you have trusting people."

Vicki coughed on her laugh. "Get it over with."

Henry crossed his arms, trying to look regal but mostly looking constipated. "I am...a vampire."

Teyla and John looked startled, as expected. But other than that, their response was unusual. "What do you feed on?" John asked, tensing.

Henry blinked. "What do I-blood, what do you think?"

John and Teyla both relaxed a trifle. "Nothing," John said unconvincingly.

"Right." Vicki snorted. "Pull the other one, it's got bells on it."

"But you don't kill people?" John not-quite-asked.

Henry paused. "Only when it is absolutely unavoidable."

"Me too."

Teyla studied Henry. "I am unfamiliar with vampires, but I assume that explains your strength and speed. And ability to sense my non-human ancestry."

"Yes."

"Interesting. I hadn't realized there were such creatures here on Earth."

John shook his head. "Neither had I."

"There's a reason for that," Henry said.

"Hey, I promised I wouldn't report you."

Mike rubbed his eyes as everyone began normal banter. He was tired, exhausted really, but it did seem like everything was going to be okay.

"Hey, Mike."

Mike looked up at his cousin. "Lemme guess. You've got to run."

"You got it. We've got to get home."

Mike nodded slowly, understanding the layers to that statement. "Don't be a stranger."

"I'll try. But I can't make any promises. We're hard to reach. The e-mail address I left you, well, it gets through. Most of the time."

They shook hands slowly, getting one last look at each other.

"John?" Teyla said.

"Yeah." He turned and grabbed a couple of bags, while Teyla lifted the covered cat container. In a few moments, everyone stood outside the hotel doing awkward goodbyes.

As they were about to get into a car, John suddenly laughed aloud. When everyone looked at him, he turned to Teyla. "Y'know, it's a good thing we said we wouldn't tell anyone."

Teyla raised her eyebrows at him.

"Because there's no way McKay would ever believe a word of it."

Still laughing, John got into the car. Teyla shook her head. "He is absolutely right," she said, giving them an impish grin. "Be well!"

And they drove off.

Vicki turned to Mike, frowning. "Who the hell is McKay?"

Mike threw his hands in the air and started toward his car.

"You know what the best part of all this is?" Vicki asked, following him.

"There's a best part?" Mike asked, rubbing his temples as he stifled a yawn and tried to remember if he had enough Tylenol at home for the next few days.

"For once, iyou're/i the one who brought us a weird case. Can't blame me for this."

"Or me," Henry added from his other side.

"I hate you both. You know that, right?"

-end-


End file.
